I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
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if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
