I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
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I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Did my cat write this
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.