Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!

Your honor these allegations are

<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.

“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”

What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan

This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”

Apparently the other 2 become immortal.

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.

If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.

dad: what should we name him

mom: something beautiful

dad: something unique

mom: any ideas

dad: matt

mom: ok

When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.

Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.

sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy

Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out

Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.

Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.

I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.

Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?

Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.

You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.

they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there

i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.

No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.

[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho

*I describe my lost cat to the cops*

Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*

Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)

[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons

*stares into distance*

Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.