Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.

Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.

work smarter, not harder

started the year single. ending the year single. consistency is key

Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?

I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.

To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.

Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.

When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.

New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?

Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.

I’m having an out of money experience.

3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me

Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.

In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.

“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”

“By mistake?”

“Not you as well”.

Me: one taco without strawberries

Taco Bell guy: strawberries?

Me: no thank you

My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate

Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?

MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]

I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕

Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.

“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*

The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.

She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.

I’m not like most teenage girls. I’m a forty-one year old man