Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.

I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.

Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop

My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”

It was a penguin.

Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.

Boss: Can I have a word with you?

Me: umbrella

And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.

Schrödinger’s Dumpster

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL

*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO

[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]

If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.

ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it

twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff

“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”

– my voicemail message

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic

Worm: wait we’re eating what

No regrets in 2018

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”

[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?

This one’s “Alex”.

[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”

Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise

Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper

Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?

My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.

If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.