I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
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COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.