I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
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When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
iPhone X
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.