I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
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Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
never ask a starfish for directions
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper