I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
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I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.