Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.

My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”

Siri: Retweet me.

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal

Them: Follow your dreams!

Me: *goes back to school without pants*

How do you tell the gender of an ant?

Put it in water.

If it sinks, girl ant.

If it floats…

What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?

Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off

My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”

Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.

[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*

divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*

Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?

Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want

Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though

Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN

Me and kid:

Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No

Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.

At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.

Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?

Roman: Just the one, thanks

Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test

Detainee: I mean ok

Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest

BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?

Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.

Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants