Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.

THEM: are you willing to take a drug test

ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down

definitely did not do anything wrong

podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in

It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.

Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!

Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.

New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.

Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room

*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair

bus driver: well, i do not

Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur

Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts

Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks

So that’s what we looked like?

78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…

I’m no longer his favourite kid.

After having a week off, my boss returns to work today. please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter

Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room

me before I type out affect or effect

[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.

My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.

I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.

New word: Biscgret.

Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.

Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?

Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.

People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.