I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
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I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.