Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.

My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese

I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.

Me: Why did I walk in this room?

My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.

[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow

[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.

Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper

I’m hunting wabbits.

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.

Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.

I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?

There are two kinds of people.

Try not to be either one of them.

A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.

E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.

Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.

Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.

“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life

My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself

I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.

Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.

If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.