I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
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ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table