I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
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The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
hmmm
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
the noise i just made
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
THIS HEADLINE
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Woke up against my better judgement again
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.