Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.

Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*

INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.

*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck

kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am

“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”

*has elbow pain*

*checks WebMD*

*buys a burial plot*

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top

Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man

It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this

I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.

Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”

Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”

Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout

*a snake wearing one skinny jean*

it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken

Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad

4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

i just really want crab legs

..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me

Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!

M: *swoons*

I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.

my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for

taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you

But my sandwich is so dry!

“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

The key to a clean house is dim lighting.

[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right

So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.

$4 #usedbooks

Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.