Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.

Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.

Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.

Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.

Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

dracula: you gotta stop

me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad

*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW

I have literally never stopped thinking about this

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.

Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.

Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.

I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.

DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]

Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?

Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.

I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy

Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.

operators are standing by to ignore your call

Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck

*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*

I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.

Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know

I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.

Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body

I cannot call her anything else now

Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*