Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.

Me: I just took my contacts out.

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.

If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.

is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?

Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god

I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks

Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?

The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.

[creation of walrus]

god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard

angel: sorry, come again?

god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers

angel: dude what

god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula

angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse

A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her

When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.

Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.

My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.

I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.

Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.

million dollar idea: worm dehorser

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa