Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man

Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!

employee: i’m sick

employer: how sick?

[breakfast in hell]

STALIN: Toast is burnt

POL POT: Eggs are rotten

HITLER: I hate the juice

STALIN: Oh here we go

HITLER: I said JUICE

You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.

How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.

I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

“The floor is larva.”

– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom

The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.

me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*

brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH

me: *goes radio silent*

A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!

Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.

[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”

[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*

Waiter: May I take your order?

Yes, roll over and play dead!

Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.

Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.

“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.

A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.

We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.

Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.

I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?

“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.