I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
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Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
My daughter b like “if u need something, call me” ???? You’re 3 sister girl 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well