I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
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Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.