I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
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HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Worlds greatest photobomb
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
No. He’s not coming out to play
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.