I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
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Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.
I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists