@caseytduncan

I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.

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@blaha_Who

Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply

Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that

@TheAndrewNadeau

surgeon: this man has a broken leg

horse surgeon intern: oh no

surgeon: which we can easily fix

horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?

@tastefactory

Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds

@bingowings14

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

@Addawanna

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.

@OrdinaryAlso

who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”

@daemonic3

[1st day as IT guy]

CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?

ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok

@flyafuckingkite

When a seeing eye dog poops, who cleans it up? This is the kind of stuff that makes my head hurt.