I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
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Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.