I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.

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Me: I made you a playlist…


Me: It only has songs about food.


me: How many calls do I get?
cop: one
me: What do you think is more likely? a lawyer delivering pizza or a dominos providing legal counsel?


I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college


When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.


There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot


A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?



Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.

We’re on the 12th floor…
I guess I’m dying in a fire.


A house spider is just a regular spider except it walks with a limp and has a pill habit.


If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.