@caseytduncan

I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.

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@kcmoore51

Me: I made you a playlist…

Her: OMG! THAT’S SO ROMANTIC!

Me: It only has songs about food.

@animaldrumss

me: How many calls do I get?
cop: one
me: What do you think is more likely? a lawyer delivering pizza or a dominos providing legal counsel?

@NoticablyBacon

I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college

@Brianhopecomedy

When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.

@Pink

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot

@dad_on_my_feet

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

@3sunzzz

[fire]

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.

We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.

@R0ckG0d88

A house spider is just a regular spider except it walks with a limp and has a pill habit.

@Hormonella

If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.