I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.

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Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply

Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that


surgeon: this man has a broken leg

horse surgeon intern: oh no

surgeon: which we can easily fix

horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?


Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds


See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.


I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.


who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”


[1st day as IT guy]

CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?

ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok


When a seeing eye dog poops, who cleans it up? This is the kind of stuff that makes my head hurt.