I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
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I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook