I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
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I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
A man of commitment.
