I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
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I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious