I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
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I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Waiting for the Charmin
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.