I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
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Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”
welp
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.