I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
You Might Also Like
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Meow
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Rather alarming headline…
Every work meeting this week
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.