I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
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“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Yup
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
good morning
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out