Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish

Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT

My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.

He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.

I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off

This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen

*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*

Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.

*dents another car while parking*

*leaves note under windshield wiper*

“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”

Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.

Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.

Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly

Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.

Thick flies save lives.

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.

GF: that spoon is still dirty

ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher

GF: I can see the mayo on it

ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now

The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work

Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese

I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.

Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….

And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.

[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.

[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!

LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism

Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.