Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:

1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..

It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.

(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.

Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.

What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.

I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?

Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.

Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?

If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.

“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.

[watching TV on couch]

Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.

Her: …

Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?

Her: …

Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?

Pile of blankets: …

Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋

What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?

Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.

Some people age like wine, others age like milk.

Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything

Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.

Me: Gulp.

MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.

This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.

why he move like a hotel transylvania character

Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there

Dear diary,

Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.

When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies

ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.

Me: *folding a fitted sheet*

Ghost: Ouch.

I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”

Me, “*You’re.”

May have lost a new client but they learned something today.

*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*

Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you

Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.

Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.

Me: do that thing I like

Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.