Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?

Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter

You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed

Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me

If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.

I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.

I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried

Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*

Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen

This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.

*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”

One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream

[job interview]

Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?

Me: No.

Him: What’s your salary requirement?

Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.

They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night

In a fight a with a bouncer

Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?

me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?

wife: not like this

I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.

I live alone.

The dryer is my closet.

“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”

Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.

No. He’s not coming out to play

If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?

Me: 69.

Interviewer: That’s not even close.

Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?