I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
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Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
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*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”