I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
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Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
fixed it
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
This will never not be funny 😭
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000