I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
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Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
I told my vodka about you.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.