I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
