I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
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Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
The asteroid..
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
How animals would run if they were human
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Story of my life…..
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
we’re gonna need another temp
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.