I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
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Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
Thank heavens for community notes
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Simple enough.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
I think this cat is broken