I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.

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I just saw mashed potato referred to as Irish guacamole and I am done


I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum


are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]


Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.

Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.

*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*

Him: Ouch!


If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.


Horror movies in the 50’s were just mysteries with extra cobwebs and two well-timed lightning cracks.

Horror movies now are like: “Your addiction to technology woke up the devil and he’s spent the last thousand years thinking up some weirdly elaborate sexual torture techniques”


2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.

2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.


I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”


colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe

also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund


a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl