I just saw mashed potato referred to as Irish guacamole and I am done
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
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I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Horror movies in the 50’s were just mysteries with extra cobwebs and two well-timed lightning cracks.
Horror movies now are like: “Your addiction to technology woke up the devil and he’s spent the last thousand years thinking up some weirdly elaborate sexual torture techniques”
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl