I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
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Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
i actually laughed 😩