I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
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Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Just a reminder, folks:
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
“What movie?” 🤔
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.