I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
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1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
if i’m ever in a coma please put chapstick on my lips
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
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Morningbreath
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So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?
I need to update my racial profile.