Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: Give them free will

Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”

God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”

I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”

If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga

Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”

I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.

“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”

Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.

Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?

Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.

ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5

Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”

“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”

[haunted house]

Me: I’m terrified

Jessica: is it the rattling chairs

Erica: is it the bleeding doors

Sarah: is it the possessed portraits

Kate: is it the shaking coffins

Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before

If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.

I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.

My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references

when the buffet is more honest than your date

Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.

Me: I need one

The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.

look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did

My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.

I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE

[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit

Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me

Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car

I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage

I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…

I just stopped by to water my horse.