I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
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I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?