I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
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I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
what day is it?
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf