Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If both kids are screaming….

….both kids are alive.

It’s science

I followed you because you’re hot

-Mosquitoes

Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”

KID: *goes kicking and screaming*

TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight

ADULT: Thank you so much

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.

“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”

I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.

I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot

*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*

[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit

i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking

Kids are so inquisitive.

“Will robots ever take over the world?”

Me: “Almost certainly.”

“But when? Before I die?”

“A bit before, yes.”

Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.

Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn

“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”

“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“What’s the problem?”

“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”

“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”

“Again.”

“Dammit.”

I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh

“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies

my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents

If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees

[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve

“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.