Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”

Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.

Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.

Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.

Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.

[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.

Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol

If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.

a haunted house called blood bath & beyond

*Pulls up to drive-thru window*

“Extra toilet paper please”

Do you mean napkins?

“Sure, whatever”

I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

As a proud husband and father in my 40s, my New Year’s resolution is to sneeze even louder this year.

The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.

Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.

Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?

Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.

Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it

—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.

—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.

they should create new variants of dopamine

Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!

Me: Oh, that is so sweet-

K: *pull out paint*

Me: You really don’t-

K: *pull out glue*

Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-

K: *pull out glitter*

Me: Christmas is cancelled.

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

[ first day as a bartender ]

*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*

[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…