Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes

When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that

[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look

I’m so full I could puke a horse

As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.

My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?

Me: sorry I was talking to myself

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …

Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today

[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]

What if you could just pretend to eat?

How about daylight saves us for once

Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.

It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?

Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.

My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles

Which is why the lights stay off!

Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again

Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine

*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today

Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt

“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”

*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn

I have some bad news about people who work in offices

“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “

Me buying fruit and veg

I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.

Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…

Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.

My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.

#PlumbersDay

I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!

Said by nobody.

Ever.

My back has gone out more than I have this year.

Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?