i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
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Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
#parenting
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”