Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.

The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive

Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.

Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.

They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.

*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

interviewer: how did u hear about us

me: *sweating* w-with my ears

*fooling around with husband*

Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?

Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!

If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.

if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry

Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.

Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”

Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub

The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”

PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes

[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal

Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one

With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.

PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys

13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day

Me: What have you written so far?

13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”

M: Good opener.

Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72

wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”

lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg

How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?

Hitting it from behind is just how I drive

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

Given the memory span of a goldfish…

I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.

I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing