I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
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I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
my friends are so lucky i can’t do a backflip, i would be so fucking annoyinggg
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
She puts the hot in psychotic
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.