Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:

If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.

I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.

Do NOT do this 🙄🙄

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way

well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon

If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.

If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.

guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking

No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.

[During a baby shower]

Me: Ooh I caught one

Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another

Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible

gonna start parting my hair down the middle so i can write poetry better

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.

H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings

“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting

i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix

The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.

Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.

At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.

someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

Give a baker flours on your first date.

My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm

If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.