I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food
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Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
john wicks are toilet candles
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!