I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food
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Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”