I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
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Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
😲 WTF? 😆
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…