I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.

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Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.


Charles Manson not only got a woman while in prison, but a woman that only wanted him for his body. Screw Tinder, I’m going to prison.


The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.

She mouthed “thank you.”

Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.


All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”


Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.


Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.


Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.


“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.