@Tired_Dad_of_2

I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.

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@spaceboyriley

[first day working for IKEA]

Customer: one nightstand please

Me: sorry, I’m married

@Marlebean

How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”

Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*

@RapeyRaperton

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

@brianbowman73

Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.

@sammyrhodes

And the Best McDonald’s Employee of the Month goes to Mad Max: Fury Road.

@arielsonline

why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too

@CantWaitToNap

[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.

@simoncholland

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.