@Tired_Dad_of_2

I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.

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@NicolaJSwinney

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

@Sarcasticsapien

Charles Manson not only got a woman while in prison, but a woman that only wanted him for his body. Screw Tinder, I’m going to prison.

@ddsmidt

The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.

She mouthed “thank you.”

Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”

@kirahesser

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

@GianDoh

Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.

@SexyInsomniac

Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.

@JimGaffigan

“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.