I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
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The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.