i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
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hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Scream sneezers need love too.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.