Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
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*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
How to draw a duck
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future