Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People:

I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…

I’m back.

me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?

murderer: yeah sure sorry

Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.

it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years

My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.

I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.

“Shelley’s coming over.”

“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”

*gets hit in the face with poop*

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.

[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”

Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.

To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names

Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.

The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.

Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.

starbuck cashier: can i get a name

guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben

me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me

Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”

Me: it’s better to give than to receive.

Daughter: what about my enemies?

Me: d-do you have any enemies?

Daughter: not anymore.

Me: what does that mean?

Daughter:

Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?

“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?

Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.