Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions

me: so I’m hired?

Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area

Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.

Here’s your m

And an m for you

Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.

You know where I’d like to go?
Missing

ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube

me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.

Replace all HR departments with fight clubs

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side

Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.

*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*

Me: Is anyone here with us?

T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R

M: Oh my god! Mom!

Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.

When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”

I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭

Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.

Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*

Her: When did you get a belly ring?

Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop

I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.

I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it

My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:

I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

No one:

My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!

My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.

*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into

Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined