Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name

The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?

My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.

Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.

Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.

My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor

With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now

Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*

Me: FINALLY! A break from that —

Brain: I’ll take it from here.

Detective: one of you is the murderer

The actual murderer: *remains calm*

Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”

I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”

Battery falling down a hole

*pats belly*

Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?

Me: Yes. Nachos.

[Haunted house]

Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}

Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.

Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years

Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.

Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences

Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.

HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.

{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.

I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.

Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.

Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?

A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.

So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.

I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…

Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!

And I think this is my villain origin story.

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

ㅤ