Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.

Burger King: A king.

Wendy’s: A joyous child.

Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.

Chairman:

Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?

Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America

Me: me too kid, me too

When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”

The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.

FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!

ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on

I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery

*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes

quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows

quarantine day 7: tequila

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?

Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!

Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting

Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.

I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”

[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?

Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey

Me: I am the smartest person alive!

Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.

Me:

Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking

Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.

Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs

Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters

Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.

Him: You look angry.

Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?

The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.

Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am

Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.

Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!

Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.

– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination

[blind date]

Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.

Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.

Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!

Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?