Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

[first day as a masseuse]

Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”

Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.

I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.

[reading of my fathers will]

Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-

Me: heh, bequeath

Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’

Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?

Lawyer: no, he just knew

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.

boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them

me: oh, I don’t.

boss:

me: anything else?

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.

Me when they’re trying to close the buffet

you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun

Please be aware that while my posts are largely based on true events, some have had squirrels added for dramatic purposes.

The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you

When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.

LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other

Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?

7: I need $20 and your car keys.

Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.

I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.

ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.

[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!

me when I see my crush

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…

“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”