@KylePlantEmoji

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”

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@CarpentersCrack

Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.

@ronleibach

[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.

@DzNutz83

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[during sex]

HER: can you turn off the light

ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet

@DaddyJew

[buying college textbooks]
That’ll be 100 million dollars

[returning college textbooks]
We can give you half off on this pencil case

@WGladstone

I put my pants on like everyone else: with difficulty, blaming the dryer for shrinking them.

@Parkerlawyer

I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.

@unrealRichardC

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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation