Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
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“Emma Stone” ~ Italian man telling you he’s high
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
[buying college textbooks]
That’ll be 100 million dollars
[returning college textbooks]
We can give you half off on this pencil case
I put my pants on like everyone else: with difficulty, blaming the dryer for shrinking them.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Beep beep beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation