I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
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Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”