Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?

MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down

These aliens are taking forever.

harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.

I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream

Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.

Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…

typical orange cat and void cat behavior

Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.

Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne

“And this is my creepy husband, John.”

(The way my friend should introduce her husband)

‘Hey look, hot dogs!’

Dogs: *blush* omg thanks

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

real

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.

Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.

[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL

“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.

Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake

I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard

Self-cleaning conscience

If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??

Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!

My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok