I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
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me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
synchronized noseblowing
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I’m dying louder than usual today.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny